Old Folks Jokes

Rooting for 80-year-old skipper Jack McKeon, the Marlins' Merlin

In America, there are two kinds of old people: Dopes and sages. You're either Mr. Magoo or Mr. Miyagi, with no in-between. At a certain age, TV depicts you as a doddering fool or a bearded wise man. Neither is recognizably you, or even recognizably human, but that's your choice at 80: Dumb or Dumbledore, take it or leave it.

That's why I'm rooting for 80-year-old Jack McKeon to succeed as new manager of the Marlins -- and also rooting for him to fail. May he win some and lose some, make good decisions and bad ones. I hope he stakes a new middle ground for old people, somewhere between the polar opposites of Grandpa Simpson and Grandpa Walton. In short, I hope he comes off as a human being.

History tells us it won't happen. McKeon will be forced to one end of the spectrum. Which will it be: Out-of-touch buffoon or homespun statesman? Mr. Furley or Wilford Brimley? A binary nation needs to know.

At the moment, it could go either way. But it definitely won't go both ways. Only Casey Stengel, in the history of geriatrics, was allowed to be both clown and soothsayer. In taking over a team that went 1-18 in its previous 19 games, McKeon is almost certain to succeed on the field, relatively speaking. Two wins and he's Gandalf, three wins and he's Yoda.

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This week he's the Marlins' Merlin. McKeon's wizarding skills were highlighted in his first game as manager on Monday, when he benched his struggling star, Hanley Ramirez, reportedly for poor baserunning. It's precisely the kind of complaint you want from a man who was born the year Lou Say died. Lou Say was the Cincinnati shortstop in 1880, giving McKeon, in 2011, one degree of separation from baseball's barehanded era.

And that's the problem. The jokes are so easy, and so compulsory, that it might not matter what he does. McKeon is now a number, and that number is 80. "Tonight he had to make four trips to the mound and 12 trips to the bathroom," Jimmy Fallon said on Monday night.

Yes, the man is old. He's the same age as the chocolate-chip cookie and the ground-rule double. Pluto was discovered in the year of his birth. Before 1930, Mickey Mouse called his dog "Rover," a fair ball that bounced into the stands was a home run and Santa Claus had to choke down oatmeal raisin cookies on Christmas Eve. There: I've now told you precisely how old Jack McKeon is, fulfilling my journalistic duty to contextualize the age of anyone over 65.

Anyone want to hear some Old folks jokes? care full i'm one, LOL ...

They and sooo funny!!! Here’s one for you:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the post box earlier.

I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheque book is in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheque book, but first I need to push the coffee aside So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the shelf catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Coffee on the shelf and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the shelf, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote, someone left on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back on the TV where it belongs, But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

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